Forgive me, but

Monday, August 23, 2010

I have had a glass and a half of wine, and I am myself, my emotions near the surface.  No, my emotions are the surface.  They are the unhidden, unbidden me.

Lately my father has been leaving things at my house—old publications featuring stories of mine (Risk and Insurance magazine, let's say, where I was the Benefits columnist, a job I could do in the middle of the night so I could be a mom in the daytime).  Sometimes I look into my father's packages right away and sometimes I forget, and only today did I find this photo (I took it myself, 21 years ago) of my mother, my father, and my three-month-old son.

Oh, how the passing of time breaks your heart.  Relentlessly.

For this same boy, this night, texted me from a Phillies game, where he'd gone with a friend. "It's such a beautiful night," he wrote.  "And we have such great seats."  Why does something like that make me cry?  Why does a phone call, thirty seconds later, from Elizabeth Law make me cry harder?  "Dangerous Neighbors launches tomorrow," she says, after we chat about a million other things.  "And I want you to know that we at Egmont are proud of this book."

Something like that, or close to that.

Elizabeth Law, calling me.

Dangerous Neighbors, a book I care about more than I'm willing to admit, launching tomorrow.

My son, texting me from a Phillies game, where a soft rain is falling.  I am happy. 

Look.  Life is full of a thousand oddities and more regrets.  It is the why not me and the why me and the indignity and the shame.  It is also a son and a book and a father, redistributing memories.  What does it mean to launch a book about a city you love?  What does it mean?

It means your heart is full.  It means right now is the right right now.

10 comments:

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, Beth, you are so good and true.

And I'm so happy for you.

Love,

Anna

Anne Cassidy said...

Hi Beth,
I've read your blog off and on for a long time, have often felt moved to write you and am not sure why I'm doing it today and not some other time. But I am...so congratulations on your book and thanks so much for the lovely and generous inspiration.
Anne Cassidy
www.walkerinthesuburbs.blogspot.com

kristen spina said...

Beautiful and true. And though my son is still quite young, I sense that he will break my heart in sad and beautiful ways over and over again in the years to come simply because I cannot forget how the two of us started.

Vivian Mahoney said...

Beth,
What a beautiful photo! You're blessed with a wonderful family and I love how you cherish every single moment.

Congratulations on DANGEROUS NEIGHBORS!! I am so happy for you.

XOXO

septembermom said...

I can feel your emotion in every word of this post. You deserve all this happiness Beth. I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!

Melissa Sarno said...

I'm so happy you are having these beautiful moments. Congratulations on Dangerous Neighbors :-)

Kelly H-Y said...

Perfectly beautiful moments.

Lilian Nattel said...

Congratulations--and I am so glad for you.

Linda Lodding said...

Hi Beth!

Congratulations on the newest addition to your book family! I'm looking forward to reading it! And thanks for your beautiful posting on treasuring the small moments -- and the fabulous moments.

Linda
www.lindalodding.sqaurespace.com

Julia said...

Beth,


I'm so happy for you. What you've done has payed off so much that you turn into an entirely visceral being.

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